Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.