Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

Growing up was a huge mistake

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

men, we mow at sunrise.