My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
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me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.