Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

ㅤ

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks