My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I鈥檓 at the age I don鈥檛 remember it鈥檚 my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I鈥檓 at the age I don鈥檛 remember anything.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 馃槶 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
problems i need
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Every wedding video you鈥檝e ever seen
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don鈥檛 need to take a photo of it.
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 馃巸
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Can鈥檛. I鈥檓 busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.