My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
i’m sure it’s fine
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre