My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
It’s an epidemic…
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.