Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

How to properly lift a body

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.