My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Sure. Why not?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually