My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Gemma Correll
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar