My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
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Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.