My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

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COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]


“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”


The How I Met Your Mother series will end tonight & everyone is thinking the same thing…if only it were The Big Bang Theory instead.


[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation


Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )


“50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That’s Ludacris!”


Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered


*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*