COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
You Might Also Like
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“Am I left with any choice?”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The How I Met Your Mother series will end tonight & everyone is thinking the same thing…if only it were The Big Bang Theory instead.
Cop: this him?
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
“50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That’s Ludacris!”
Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered
*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*