my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
