my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Carpe DM
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
