my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
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Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down