Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”