Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

We need more people like this.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

jesus christ confetti not now