Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Danger is very dangerous

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount