My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.