My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.