Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

I saw this ending much differently.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.