Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

goldfish mafia

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

3% human
97% stress

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour