My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
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*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8