My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
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If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
why neck hurt
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.