Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

A double negative is a big no-no.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶