Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot