My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
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My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
no one likes gloating
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”