Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how