My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
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if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
6: are snakes just neck?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?