My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
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I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science