My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Nice try, NASA
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
when someone rings the doorbell
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.