My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
☠️☠️☠️
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
🤣
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.