Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

(Jupiter –

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…