My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
A classic…
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
moms in horror movies
This rocks
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.