My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore