My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.