My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
never ask a starfish for directions
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?