My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.