My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Liquor Store Parking
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.