My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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How do German people not choke to death when they talk
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
see next tweet for some translations
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…