My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!