My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Breaking news:
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.