Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

ㅤ

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons