My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
beware of dog
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Otters drive ottermobiles.