My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
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Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke