Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He just like my cat fr

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

#Thanos #MondayMood

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.