Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

I have taken up painting

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something