My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
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My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
life finds a way
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.