My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.