My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
You Might Also Like
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*lint rolls you awake*
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
You better wish for more oil
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.