Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.