My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
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My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
sir, my pâté if you please
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
