Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

What?

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.