Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

gender is a sprctrum

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Education is vital

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.