My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
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Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”