My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
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ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
#NeverForget
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief