Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

I told my vodka about you.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*