Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

The Birdles

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls