Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

Google assistant rules

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

mmm onion ringos

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

me and who

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”