Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing