Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.