My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
This kid will have a bright future.
i love modern commerce
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.