My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.