My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.