My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
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what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
True?
