My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
🤣
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
This poor dog
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.