Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

Phones down.