My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
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I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
That’s incredible! 👌
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.