Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

Lmaoo 😂

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

S/o to @funTweeters .