My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
You Might Also Like
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi