My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
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JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby