My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
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Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…