My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car