My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
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[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
