My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The pasta is now
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Milk Cube
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*