Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.