My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
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FRED: right
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.