My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
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Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The three genders
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.