My spirit animal is fried chicken
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
opening a flower shop called women in stem