My spirit animal is fried chicken
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cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind